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08 June 2002 - 8:01 pm

This sux. I have so much that I want to put down, so much that I want to make known, and I sit here typing and deleting, over and over, trying to make what I'm writing make sense. I think that's why I don't like writing ... I can never make what's in my head make sense on paper. Do you know how frustrating it is? {sigh} OK. Deep breath. This is my issue:

I'm chatting with a friend of mine. He's a good guy, and I've known him for about a month. We're just friends, he has a boyfriend. He starts flirting, and I realize that if he asked me to have sex with him, I would. I don't really think he's all that attractive, but I would still have sex with him. I'm just starting to realize that I have a serious problem that's keeping me from being happy. I believe that it's keeping me from having a fulfilling relationship.

I like the attention. I like to think that other people find me attractive. I have this need to prove to myself that I'm attractive by sleeping around. The more people I sleep with, the easier it is for me to tell myself that they're sleeping with me because I'm attractive, not because I'm just available.



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